Only words bleed.

And if you hurt me
Well, that's OK, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go

When I'm away
I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost
Back on 6th street
Hearing you whisper through the phone,
"Wait for me to come home."

Making myself happy vs doing the right thing

What's the difference between making myself happy and doing the right thing?

Can both correlate , so I can have the best of both worlds?

For 19 years, I've tried to fit in. To fit in with my peers' expectations of me , parents' expectations of how I should turn out and most of all, grow into the person I really am.

I spend a lot of time listening to people and their advice, trying to take it, apply it into my life and at one point I realize that you can't really use people's advice (it's not a one advice fits all) but when you pave your own way, they start judging you and how you choose to lead your life. (Even if I don't want to admit it, being judged makes me nervous).

So, at one point ,I've found (and since then, have been attempting to maintain balance between doing what I feel is right for myself and taking advice as I go (be humble, you're not that wise,Heidi).

What is the right thing? How do you actually move on from a mistake and set off to the next part of your life? I've accepted that I will always make mistakes (even if I'm afraid of mistakes) and I will embarass myself, disagree with people but trying to be somebody I'm not is way too stressful for me.

I don't particularly enjoy being a fashionista. I'm okay with my dowdy fashion.
I don't particularly enjoy a wild night out. I like having fun, going out and eating but at the end of the day, I really just want a good cup of tea and curl up with a book.
I am not interested in changing anything physically, and if anybody attempts to suggest I need cosmetic enhancement, I will shut them out.
I have problems focusing when I read sophisticated books sometimes.
I still haven't completely grasped a lot of aspects when it comes to my religion, please go easy on me, help me, cuz I'm still learning.
I am insecure about a lot of things.
I'm pretty emotional. There are things I am pretty sensitive about, but I try to be sensitive towards other people's needs too.
I have different ideas of what is good for me, and what I should do. I won't judge your choices, please allow me to make mine.

I really want to embrace myself, fully, for my flaws and good bits , ugly bits,beautiful bits. I really want to.

Ramadhan kareem, everybody. I want to embrace my imperfections while trying to improve myself, Insha Allah.

😂😂😂😂

How do you know you're in some sort of emotional pain. It's when you listen to the soundtrack of your favourite childhood movie (Peter Pan) and think about what you lack. 😐 And make yourself depressed and stressed out because you are overthinking. 

And I hate the fact that I'm found wanting.  

Silly late night thoughts.

Dealing With Change

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One of the things I fear most in life is change, even though the only thing that is guaranteed in life besides death is change. We all change, whether we realize it or not but we are still afraid of it.

I'm scared of change, even though sometimes change is good. I'm scared of changing friends that's why I just stick to those I am familiar with, I am scared of getting close to people because I'm scared their feelings for me, no matter how platonic, will change. I'm scared of going to new places because I'm scared I can't adjust. Basically, I struggle with that and I'm trying to overcome it in
order to move on to this new chapter in life.

Who Moved My Cheese by Dr Spencer Johnson is about dealing with change and how change is indeed a positive thing in life.

One of the most challenging questions asked in the book is : What would you do if you weren't afraid? And boy are there lots of stuff I would do if I weren't afraid.

The book taught me that besides change being positive, we all need to analyse each situation, it doesn't matter whether we are talking about relationships, or even business, and realize how its changing. I love how the book is really simple, but at the same time, if you are creative enough to apply to real life , its incredibly helpful. Anticipate change, analyse it and scurry to deal with it 😃

So I really hope in these couple of weeks to come, I can really gear myself for a big change, of starting law studies, in a different state and with a different zest, InshaAllah 😇

Hijrah.

 

I'm definitely on a roll tonight, aren't I?

I don't think I've ever really written about my hijrah. It's been almost a year since I committed myself to the hijab and I'm still - and Insha ALLAH- will always persevere to be istiqamah, and building my deen one step and a time.

It was definitely tough wearing the hijab. I know, as a Muslimah, it is an obligation, but I don't think people realize the significance of putting on that extra piece of fabric on your head.

Sure, some people may ask , what's the big deal about the hijab ?

Well, to me, it's not about the act of wearing it. It's everything it embodies for me. The fact that I'm a Muslim woman, proud of my Deen, my religion, my obligations and the fact that I really want to share that with the World. No, I am still not 'arif' when it comes to my religion. To me, Islam is something I learn about every day and as I learn about it, I fall in love deeper with it.

Maybe it sounds cheesy but even wearing the hijab was a step by step journey. Starting with straightening out my fardhu prayers, loosening my garments bit by bit, leaving the short skirts and shorts and stopping some stuff I really did enjoy- like going to Red Box for karaoke.

For women, there are aurah that is physical (everything is your aurah, except your face and hands) and non-physical, your voice (you can't sing melodiously to attract men) and it's a tough job, covering your aurah properly.

A junior asked me what prompted me to start covering my aurah and I told her it was just the right step, and I felt ready. I had started wearing it out and to interviews and I felt comfortable in it,  way more than I did when I didnt cover it.

But I do still have fun. I am still incredibly loud and bossy and annoying . I still hate being bossed around by men, I still love arguing and debating. I still love having fun, reading novels, and going out on food adventures. I am still the old Heidi.

So, people say "Heidi dah bertaubat!," and Insha ALLAH, may Allah protect all of us and may Allah make us humble and repentful, always.

The point is, for those wondering if they are ready to wear the hijab, I'll say just wondering if you are, makes you ready. Just being worried about it, means you're ready. If you feel uncomfortable, know that you are READY.

Allah will not command you to do something, if you are not meant for it. And trust me, telling yourself wearing the hijab is hot and uncomfortable is not true. Just find the type of hijab you are comfortable in and you're good to go.

You are wonderful, girls. Cherish everything you have, and enhance everything you have :)

I am still learning so don't hesitate to teach me :)

Focus.

As everybody know's , I am not the most focused person.

I have no idea how to do one thing, at one time. Think about one thing, without considering something else and I'm the kind that is so very easily distracted.

And I'm indecisive, like way too indecisive.

But I'm going to leave matriculation in a month's time and I've chosen what I want to do - which is law. 

Actually, I did end school with the intention of reading law. But at one point, as always, I stopped in my tracks and wondered if that was what I wanted to do. And one year on, I've decided. I'm going to do law, Insha ALLAH.

There's no more fooling around, it's time to live a fulfilled life!

Hobin jang hobin.